04 - i am not a creative person

i am not a creative person. i believed in this as it was a fact until very recently. but somehow that never really stopped me from being a multipotentialite (yes i just googled it - a person with many passions and creative pursuits).

i saw someone on instagram talking how being creative is not something you have instinctively or born with but something you can build by practice. i read this somewhere (i really should start to save all these to refer) how 95% of the kids are creative in nature and how as they grow lose it. and why was it? was it the education system? or the parenting? what makes kids lose their confidence and creativity eventually? my answer: is the human emotions of social anxiety, stage fear, fear of being judged and all. yes the society contributes it, centuries have passed and still creativity in kids is something discouraged by a lot. when things are not done conventionally it often is labelled as rude to culture or elders. today being present, i know a lot of people around me are creative, maybe they are not found a way to execute it yet or are driven by it and living their life to the best but i know i am nowhere in that range. i am a girl who is unlearning the fact that she is not creative and finding ways to be more free-spirited. how can you be a creative person then? my answer to this is make time for them. and i think out of all the multiple hobbies i have writing is by far kinda difficult. because writers are very cool according to me and it’s hard to please them. and i know i am not writing to please others but it gets hard when i see all of you on substack writing so amazingly and i feel like i need to live up to that. but no i am scratching that phrase today. i haven’t being regular with my writing these past 15 days (i think). because i was not motivated, i didn’t have an idea ignited in me which made me sit and type out the words. but these 2 weeks were the happiest days i had. i enjoyed and rested. i started watching movies again regularly and i am going to talk about these more in the next letter. and i felt embarrassed and anxious of my talent in writing. i know i am not a good writer. but i feel like i am getting there. i am a very insecure person and it has effected in ways i didn’t wanted to be. for example, the previous semester in my college there was an event and i basically dance most of time. but when i am around people in the dance room i feel like the odd one and i hate myself for it and i decided to not go because my (close)friends weren’t accompanying this time. yes i do things only when my friends tag along. yes i am that person. but i am trying to grow out of it. so then one of my not so close friend joined me, she’s also kinda insecure. but we both push each other out of our comfort zones. we are not best friends but we listen to each other. out of all the companies i had my whole life outside of my family i can say with confidence this is the one i value so much and wish to preserve it until i die. so the thing is i am secure and safe around people who don’t judge me or make me feel invaluable. that is also one of the reason why i am an introvert because i am scared of putting my self out there, exposed to the society and all up for them to destroy it. but you know i am a changed person. my principles have changed. i am willing to change myself. baby steps.

my thought of train on finding beauty in being

when i was a kid i was fascinated by humans (still am), i loved how cool they were. because that’s what i thought… they are cool. were they? well my vision of judgement is unclear now. so i always imitated people around me. i remember studying about this in my biology class, something about human behavior. conditioning, imitating and all that. basically we humans imitate others, the people we adore, the people we look up to, the people we aspire to be. there was this trend on social media of how couples start to look alike when they are dating. according to my comprehension it’s simply beautiful and humanistic. i wish everyone appreciated the cool things about being human and this is one of them. here, one person gets tangled with other, their lives, their habits, their icks, their taste, their traditions, their beliefs. and we all participate in this weaving to some degree. i always imitated my sibling, the teachers i loved, the female leads in movies and books, the influencers i see. i always imitate peculiar things about a character i love , how they smile, how they walk. when i notice myself doing that unconsciously i feel like i am dissolved in someone else’s life. and i hate it a little. makes me feel like my true identity is unimportant. its not intense but its there. its polarizing how i am in a love hate relationship with this quirk of mine. being honest it helps, it motivates me. when i write i want to be like jo march (from little women), passionate. when i read i want to be like rory (from gilmore girls). when i am sad i want to be like fleabag. when i am feeling powerful i want to be like blair (from gossip girl). i can think of a hundred of them. well it doesn’t bother me so much and i love it on most of the days.

i wanted to share an idea of “calling” from motherthing by ainslie hogarth, it got me thinking about how we all have a calling in life, a purpose to live, the will. what is it that keeps us alive? if it’s true that one should have a will to live then what if i don’t have a will. are we equal to a corpse, maybe it’s even harder to be a walking corpse. i was always scared of this. to be lifeless. i want to live my best life. i believe in balance and am ready for all the good and bad things that happen to me. and similarly i appreciate everything good and bad, and try to treat every hobby as equal too. i want to learn everything, be everything. it’s something i thought was my dream and my calling when i was 10 but then i thought it was impossible when i was 13. now that i am nearing 20 and i know life is unpredictable and as much as it overwhelms me i want to try everything, i want to fail at everything and get eventually good at it, maybe not ‘good’ but ‘not bad’. turns out i am not a superhuman after all. so is my writing. i know it was bad and now it is ‘not bad’ and honestly i am happy with this because these are words which are always spilling out of brain pot and these are my true words, true self and i am not embarrassed by it. maybe gradually i will unknowingly get better at it and its a win or maybe not, at least my hearts out there, living in it’s words. so it’s a win-win situation.

so i know i didn’t write for like 2 weeks. until now every letter i wrote were first draft. i got a vision of what i want to write and i wrote. but these 2 weeks i have been actually spending my holidays as holidays and i wasn’t exactly enthusiastic about writing? why so? was it because art is created when you are low or sad? (i have some articles to read that explores on this topic) can i not write if i am happy? i always believed that my inner monologue would never shut up and will never run out of things to talk. but i was scared, did i just ran out of things to write. and if i did how i can i carry on. and it made me realize that i really should make time for writing, find tips that work for me. i think the first of many tips would imagining myself as Anne. I would have said Jo March but i feel like i am more of a whimsical person like Anne and so that explains my new name for this letter - “a kindred spirit’s letter”

i had bad days and also good days in this two week. but on any day my brain is always talking. there is the quote of swami vivekananda "Talk to yourself at least once in a day, otherwise you may miss meeting an excellent person in this world.”

this week i mourned for a soul i didn’t know, i wondered about how we are mixture of the people we met & things we love, i listened lana’s songs because she’s my queen, i started watching 00’s chick flicks and other iconic films i wanted to watch for so long, i also added bunch of stranger things character playlists to my spotify library, i got out of my reading slump and now i am writing. well that was not that hard see (the optimist me). i know it’s not great. and i decided to work on it. so if you guys have any tips on how can i improve my writing or any challenges comment below.

rough summary of the past 15 days

books i am reading / read 📕🌞:

1. BUTTER by Asako Yuzuki - finished this and have to write review

2. A kiss in the moonlight by Cathy Maxwell

3. Motherthing by Ainslie Hogarth

4. Blue Sisters by Coco Mellers (started yesterday)

my current reads <3

movies i watched 🎬🪼:

1. Little Women (2019)

2. Little Women (1994)

3. Everything Everywhere All at Once

4. Forgotten (a Korean thriller!!)

5. Confessions of a Shopaholic

6. You Again

7. The Incredible Hulk

8. 10 things i hate about you (my Kat and Patrick heart 💜)

9. Derry Girls (S2)

i want what they have

honestly i am a mixture of orla and clare

i wish had better pic of 1994 one, i was just into it i forgot to take a pic

and most of these are rewatches and i plan to yap about it very soon to you guys so stay tuned!!

music i listened 🎵🌷:

1. HIT ME HARD AND SOFT (by far my fav of 2024)

2. Silence Between Songs - Madison Beer

3. Lady Lady - Molly Grace

4. Pure Heroine - Lorde

5. Please Please Please - Sabrina Carpenter (honestly she never disappoints)

6. Have you seen my boyfriend - ScarLip, ZEDDY WILL

7. Can’t take my eyes off of you - by patrick verona

8. Diet Mountain dew demo - Lana Del Ray (it’s like heaven around me listening to this)

9. Sweater Weather - The Neighbourhood

10. and angry girl music playlists

    

    stranger things x 10 things i hate about you

    

    chemtrails over the country club

podcasts i listened 🎧🌿:

1. past relationships & unmet feelings - Know from Nothing

2. if it isn’t broken don’t fix it, a talk with emma - anything goes with emma chamberlain

3. Should we be thinking about kids in our 20s? - The Psychology of your 20’s

4. Dreams unlock messages from your inner self ; how to connect with your dreams & 6 tips with Tender Awakenings - Skinny Dipping

5. the art of self-soothing - for the healthy hoes

see you guys next week

thankyou to everyone who is reading. i hope you all like it. did it speak to your heart? what is a thing you could think of tender beauty of humans and relations? what are you currently reding or watching ? share in the comments below.